Egypt - December 2008 - Camel Ass

(for those of you that are a bit squeemish when it comes to rug burns or butt cheaks, kindly refrain from reading this post as the reality of camel ass is quite horrific)

FACA - The Fellowship for the Abolishment of Camel Ass

It is with great pleasure that I annouce the creation of FACA (The Fellowship for the Abolishment of Camel Ass). This fellowship, consisting of myself and myself only, has been formed to fight one of the worlds most preventable and most overlooked ailments. In addition to being the founder and only acting member of FACA, I am also the worlds only known victim of this crippling condition. On the afternoon of November 29th, 2008 I fulfilled a life-long dream to see the Great Pyramids of Giza. For me, the morning of this day was one filled with great excitement and anticipation. This was to be a day to remember, unfortunately I had no idea that it would be one that would be forever regarded in emphamy.

Upon arrival to the perimeter of Giza, our taxi pulled up to a series of small storefronts that also happened to have a rather unusual number of horses and camels in front of them. At this point in my trip, Matt and I have grown keen to the ploys and tactics of travel agencies and taxis. Often these two will work together and do their best to funnel travels through various smoke and mirror routines, forcing them to pay additional money and basically ripping them off in every way possible. Fortunately Matt and I picked up on this one right off the bat and told our taxi that we were not interested in the camels or horses and to move on...

Needless to say, 20 minutes later Matt and I road off from the storefront on 2 extremely old and weathered looking camels. I was told that my camel was 24 years old (my same age) and was named Michael Jackson. I immidiately made my own estimate on "Michael's" age and tallied it at about 350 to 400 years old. About 5 minutes into the ride towards the great pyramids it became wildly apparent that I suffered from severe camel allergies. Intense boughts of sneezing continued for the entire 3 hour tour, but this did not affect my moral in any way as I was on my way towards the great structures. It was when the guide began galloping with his horse that is when the problems began....

Camels can gallop! Has anyone ever heard of that? Is there a movie somewhere or documentary that shows this? I never imagined such a thing being possible, let alone that I'd be on the back of one when I found this out. At this point it was out of my control, my camel was galloping as if he'd never seen the pyramids either. Now, I've never done much horse riding personally, but I'm imagining that it HAS to be more comfortable than a camels back. Now, you might be saying, "Well aren't you just sitting between their humps all nice and comfy?" The answer here is a decisive NO. In fact, it's quite horrifying as camels are monsterously tall creatures. Our guide was riding on a horse and even then his head was only up to where my knee was. If I fell off this guy it was going to hurt. Remarkably, I endured and held on for dear life throughout the entire tour, sneezing and doing my best to keep up with this beast.

It was not until the end of the tour that I realized my condition. Upon returning to the taxi, I sat down in the back to reflect on what I had just survived. I immidiately felt a terrible sting on both of my butt cheeks and realized what had happened. In a mere 3 hours I had gone from a completely healthy human being to becoming the worlds only know case of CA (CA is short for Camel Ass). That being said, I also found myself as the single greatest minority of ailments in world history, the only recorded case! Camel Ass is defined as a severe rug burn on either/or both of the butt cheeks. The only current (and notably primative) treatments are sleeping on your stomach and avoiding seated positions.

I can't help but wonder what someone might think if they happened upon me getting out of the shower and saw my severe case of CA. They might ask, "How in the hell did that happen?" and all I'd be able to say is... "A camel did it." : (

I hope that this post has helped to increase your awareness of CA. I plan on continuing my work at the Fellowship for the Abolishment of Camel Ass in the future in hopes that some day (hopefully in a week or two) the world will once again be free from the ravages of this horrific condition. As you sit at your computer, please take a minute to be thankful and reflect, as there is a victim of CA out there that can't sit at all.

Ladies, Boys, and Ladyboys...

First and foremost, I want to apologize for my lackluster blogging thus far. Given the pace and scope of my trip I have been on the move at a pretty quick pace. I hope that I makeup for some lost time here with the next couple posts....

"One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster

The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free

You'll find a god in every golden cloister

And if you're lucky then the god's a she

I can feel an angel sliding up to me" - Murray Head - 1984

Ah, yes... the 1984 hit that doesn't seem to make any sense whatsoever but somehow sums up Bangkok all at the same time. Before my trip to Thailand I had no real reference to Thailand at all, let alone it's capital city. Amazingly, after my time spent there, I have a crystal clear understanding of what good ole' Murray was talking about. I would like to summize my understanding of his words here and now. Think of me as your cryptex to deciphering the meaning of the greatest chorus of all time.... (shoutout to Mogs)

One night in Bangkok and the worlds your oyster.... First off, if Murray was only in Bangkok one night he's an idiot and his synopsis may be slightly generalized, which is something we all need to consider. If I could travel back in time to 1984, I would advise Murray to hang out with me for the 6 nights I stayed, as the logistics of just 1 night there are ridiculous. Now, Murray describes the world as your oyster. If by oyster he means dirty, slimy, and might get you sick, he's absolutely spot on! Bangkok has an ambiance for sure, but one trip down the Chao Phraya river and you'll understand exactly what Murray is saying.

The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free... Murray always tells it like it is. So, if by 'temples' he means crazy caves blasting american hip-hop treating it's customers to VIP tables and full bottles of Johnnie Walker, he's right! Many of the nicer places appear to emulate what you'd expect of a New York or LA club. And yes, unfortunately, the pearls as well as everything else here are not free... but don't despair because everything is paid for in Baht, which is basically paper monopoly money that has no real value!

You'll find a god in every golden cloister... The most challenging lyric thus far, you'll be amazed at how easy it is to understand what he's talking about here. Below is the formula:

God = Ladyboy

Golden Cloister = Seven Eleven

Genious! Murray, if I had seen things this clearly before I would have felt like I had already been there. Yes, it's true folks, there are 7-11 convienience stores on every single block of this city. This is no exageration, literally every block has a 7-11 on it regardless of where you are. Now, you may walk into some of these 7-11s and say to yourself, "There isn't a ladyboy in here..." Don't be a fool! You're just not looking close enough. Wait a minute and soon you will realize you were dead wrong. Additionally, an interesting side note is that these stores sell every flavor of Lays potato chips imaginable. Some of my personal favorites were Seaweed, Shrimp Seafood, and Double Pork Cheeseburger.

And if you're lucky then the god's a she... So I'm going to assume that Murray was a little bit more of a risktaker than me, because by the looks of this lyric I'm guessing he was leaving these things up to chance. Now remember folks, we've already learned that by god, Murray actually means ladyboy. So if luck is what Murray wants to rely on, who am I to stop him.

I can feel an angel sliding up to me... I'm not touching this one as I've always liked to think I could return to Avnet for employment in the future. You will have to figure this one out yourselves folks.

So, I hope that my words have helped you to better understand both Bangkok as well as Murray Head's 1984 chart topping hit. I can only imagine how the song would have turned out if Murray spent an entire week here.

Tokyo - October 19th, 2008 - Living in fear...

NOTES FROM RYAN... (The Walter Diaries)

Volume 5 - October 19th, 2008: Living in Fear...

One thing became immidiately apparent upon arrival in Japan. We were in eminent danger. Posted everywhere we went were white signs showing little green men running. Similar to the friendly little stick figures we've come to know as the universal sign of the mens room, these little green men did not seem as relaxed. In fact, very much the opposite.

The country was seemingly saturated with these things. It was quite clear that we needed to find out what they meant and fast. God knows our Japanese friends had carefully posted these signs around every corner with good purpose. As we left the airport and road the train into Tokyo, more and more signs passed and tensions rose. Mutual feelings were that we had made a monumental mistake by coming here until the grim realization became apparent to us.

How had we not thought of this before; Godzilla lives in Japan. I almost threw up when this epiphony exploded in my mind. These people are on high alert 24 hours a day fearing the great beast. It all made perfect sense. The green signs were obviously exit plans. We sumised, that similar to an Avnet fire drill, should the sleeping giant return we were to place our trash cans on any nearby tables or desks and flee. Obviously, this grim development was crushing to morale. Here we were on the first day of our trip and we were already dealing with a 2,000 ton fire-breathing lizard.

Amazingly we went on to have a great week in Japan. Eluding Godzilla was nothing short of miraculous, but having faced such a daunting trial has left me feeling confident that I will be able to overcome any trouble the world has in store for me going forward.

What's the moral of this story? This question must be answered by asking ourselves another question. Does Godzilla exist? YES. Can life go on or happiness be found in a world where the great monster roams free? Contrary to what many may say, YES it can. The Japanese are doing it every day. They've thrived in Tokyo for the past 30 years ever since the last Godzilla attack and what was once crushed, destroyed, and burned has now been rebuilt. Maybe we can take a page from their book and show the same courage and fortitude in our daily lives and struggles. There are always looming fears and obstacles around every corner. It is our job to keep keeping on. And while we're at it, maybe you guys can ask management why Avnet doesn't have any preparations set in place should Godzilla attack.

Notes From Ryan (The Walter Diaries)

Well, here is my humble attempt at keeping a blog for the remainder of 2008 to report my travels and experiences abroad. It will be my hopes to report my impressions and experiences of each destination from my individual perspective. To try and keep things interesting I am going to continue with the "Notes from Ryan" format. I hope that the lessons and morals that are to come will help us all in our daily lives and possibly assist in the sale and liquidation of millions in aged inventory.

I have aptly titled this compilation "The Walter Diaries" as I find my lifestyle, once running obtuse to Walter's, is growing more and more parallel with each passing day.